The Wonderful GAY

“Time lies frozen there. It’s always Then. It’s never Now.” The Cardinal was afraid of Now, for Now has warmth and urgency, and Then is dead and buried. Now might bring a certain knight of gay and shining courage –

Crdinl Keith O’Brien has confirmed he will no longer use any of the letters in the word ‘gay’ and stressed

he was embarking on the phonetic moratorium because he did not want to be ‘prt of the problem’.

His spokesman said:

“Luckily ‘safe words’ include Jesus, communion, crucifix and Keith O’Brien.

“However he has had to change his job to title to ‘Crdinl’.

“Also, half the word ‘Mary’ is off limits so from now on he will refer to the Holy Mother as ‘Ethel’.

“It’s not blasphemous if it’s part of a bulwark against depravity.”

The spokesman added: “Golgotha comes out as ‘Oloth’ and Calvary is just ‘Clvr’, so Easter is going to be tricky. Especially if he’s calling it ‘Ester’.”

We confirmed with the spokesman that from now on the Crdinl says

  • eduction
  • humn rihts
  • Kindom
  • literture
  • norml
  • overnment
  • rotesque
  • tolernce

But the Crdinl can still say

  • heretics
  • institution
  • schoolchildren
  • worthless

And I’m sure we’re all glad to know that.

It is thought that the Bishop of Aberdeen would not take part in the Crdinl’s self-imposed moratorium (or “mortorium”) because of the difficulty of his new parishioners resigning themselves to living in the diocese of Berdeen. But in support, Huh Ilbert said:

I know there re people monst the communit of the Church. I promise I will lws respect nd love them nd uphold them in their reltionship with the Od who loves them. But I won’t mrr them. It just can’t be done.”

“The Wonderful GAY” is about two abominable villains, a man with a book and a man with a bus company, who sail to the island of GAY in search of treasure and, when they can’t find it, revenge themselves on the gentle inhabitants by banning everything with a GAY in it. First they take the GAY out of all the words and then they start forbidding such things as allegiance, cherishing, fidelity, and honesty. They are just getting round to forbidding marriage when the islanders decide there are some things with a GAY in them that must not be lost. (They speculate about whether that’s yoga, angry, gray, or orangy – and fear it might be agony.)

Cardinal O’Brien said:

“Mrrie between two men is bd nd wron. Nd tht’s not just me tlkin, tht’s Od.

“I’ve hd it up to here with their K-Jell, their lether pnts nd their Lori Nor records. It’s unnturl.”

He added: “Idell I’d hve stopped usin ll the letters in ‘homosexul’ but then ou would think I’m complete luntic.”

His latest statement on what the Crdinl will from now on refer to as “sme-sex mrrie” has been revised to clarify his current position:

I hope mn respond nd consider sinin the petition in support of trditionl mrrie ornised b new ornistion, the Colition for Mrrie.

On the surfce, the question of sme-sex mrrie m seem to be n innocuous one.

He points out that “civil prtnerships” are

llowin sme-sex couples to reister their reltionship


enjo vriet of lel protections.

He goes on to say:

Since ll the lel rihts of mrrie re lred vilble to homosexul couples, it is cler tht this proposl is not bout rihts, but rther is n ttempt to redefine mrrie for the whole of societ t the behest of smll minorit of ctivists.

And he asks:

But cn we simpl redefine terms t whim? Cn word whose menin hs been clerl understood in ever societ throuhout histor suddenl be chned to men somethin else?
If sme-sex mrrie is encted into lw wht will hppen to the techer who wnts to tell pupils tht mrrie cn onl men – nd hs onl ever ment – the union of mn nd womn?

It’s hard to disagree with the Crdinl when he says:

Will tht techer’s riht to hold nd tech this view be respected or will it be removed? Will both techer nd pupils simpl become the next victims of the trnn of tolernce, heretics, whose dissent from stte-imposed orthodox must be crushed t ll costs?

In rticle 16 of the Universl Declrtion on Humn Rihts, mrrie is defined s reltionship between men nd women. But when our politicins suest jettisonin the estblished understndin of mrrie nd subvertin its menin the ren’t derided.

Mostly because it’s quite hard to understand what he’s talking about.

The Crdinl says that

mrrie lon predtes the existence of n stte or overnment. It ws not creted b overnments nd should not be chned b them.

Other equally useful comments the Crdinl made are:

Sme-sex mrrie would eliminte entirel in lw the bsic ide of mother nd fther for ever child.

Other dners exist.

If mrrie cn be redefined so tht it no loner mens mn nd womn but two men or two women, wh stop there?

primr schoolchildren were iven homosexul fir stories such s Kin & Kin.

Some hih school students were even iven n explicit mnul of homosexul dvocc

The Crdinl goes on to ask:

Would such worthless ssurnces clm our fur?

He’s also concerned that:

the justif dismntlin fundmentl humn riht?

But he thinks:

Or would the simpl mount to wesel words mskin ret wron?

Finally, the ees of the world are upon us:

If the overnment ttempts to demolish universll reconised humn riht, the will hve forfeited the trust which societ hs plced in them nd their intolernce will shme the United Kindom in the ees of the world.

(Then the islanders realise GAY’s a rainbow.)

red, orange, Yellow, Green, Azure, violet

A fair wind stood for Yarrow and, looking far to sea, the Princess Saralinda thought she saw, as people often think they see, on clear and windless days, the distant shining shores of Ever After. Your guess is quite as good as mine (there are a lot of things that shine) but I have always thought she did, and I will always think so.

—Update, 17:26—


Scotland’s Roman Catholic leader – Cardinal Keith O’Brien – has suspended direct communication with the Scottish government on gay marriage.

The move is in protest at the Scottish government’s support for the introduction of same-sex marriages.

The cardinal has turned down an invitation to discuss the issue, leaving any talks to officials.

For Lent, C O’ P of h hop’ Cofc of co ’ mo o Choc intends to give up all the letters in the words lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. His statement against mm will be further revised to read:

H ovm h moh ch coo o m- m, k h pc whh ho oc W. Hop m po co h po ppo of o m o w oo, h Coo fo M. O h fc, h qo of m- m m m o oco o. Cv php hv pc fo v ow, ow m- cop o h ohp jo v of poco. Wh h m w oc, ppo w p o po o h h ’ w m, ccp h m h o v m h o of m wom. Ho of who w o fvo of cv php, v h ch ohp hmf o h phc, m p w of ho vov, w h m m wo m oo. W w cc of cmo h, c ch m po ow. C h h of m v o homo cop, c h h popo o o h, h mp o f m fo h who of oc h h of m mo of cv. F m w hv h mpco fo wh h o choo, fo w oc. w f oc c h o of m o of h fm ock of oc. h pco of c m- m o w w mm.

C w mp f m whm? C wo who m h c oo v oc hoho ho ch o m omh ?

F m- m c o w wh w hpp o h ch who w o pp h m c o m – h o v m – h o of m wom?

W h ch’ h o ho ch h vw pc o w mov? W oh ch pp mp com h vcm of h of oc, hc, who fom -mpo ohoo m ch co? C 16 of h v co o Hm h, m f ohp w m wom. wh o poc jo h h of m v m h ’ .

H mp o f v po h, h m . h popo p oq vo of v ccp hm h.

O, m o p h c of o ovm. w o c ovm ho o ch hm. , co h m f whch m o oc, h ho c o poc pho m, o ck o m. H po of vw h wo hv o ccp o fw o, o vc o of m k o o o.

H o o h, oc, w hv com é o h mpoc of m fc c o pz wohwh o.

H m m ov h co of o, m h w o o m wom oh o h h ch o of ho o w hv moh fh.

H o h o ppcv whch m o comp o o o: h po of vw of h ch. ch v o f wh moh fh; h vc fvo of h w- whch h pov ovwhm qvoc. co pov m- cop, howv w-o h m .

M- m wo m w h c of moh fh fo v ch. wo c oc whch choo o pv ch of h moh o fh.

Oh. F m c f o h o o m m wom wo m o wo wom, wh op h? Wh o ow h m o wom wo m o co m, f h p h f o o oh? F m mp o who ov ch oh, o wh c h who ov ch oh pv fom m?

Ovm 2003, f co co Mch o m, choo w q o ock m- ; pm chooch w v homo f o ch K & K. om hh choo w v v pc m of homo vocc h ck ook: Q h 21 C. co h o comp wh wh w ow m “om”.

O, h ovm h h m- m wo’ compo chch co choo o op o. H o.

O ovm h h mo ho o m h v oo m of m. M fo mom h h ovm h c o v h “o o w foc o kp v”.

Wo ch woh c cm o f? Wo h jf m fm hm h? O wo h mp mo o w wo mk wo? H v co o Hm h c c: m h whch pp o m wom, “h fm h fm op of oc o poco oc h”.

H v h o f-v h ho’ o p. f h ovm mp o moh v co hm h, h w hv fof h whch oc h pc hm h oc w hm h Kom h of h wo.

He trusts this will make his position quite clear.

Six months later, in February 2013, three priests and one ex-priest had made formal signed complaints to the papal nuncio in the UK against Cardinal O’Brien for “inappropriate behaviour” towards them. A few days later, Pope Benedict resigned his office. On 2nd March 2013, after weeks of denial and obfustication, Keith O’Brien had admitted the charges were true and himself resigned from office.


Filed under Feng Shui Kitten Fixes Stuff, James Thurber, LGBT Equality, Religion

2 responses to “The Wonderful GAY

  1. And meanwhile, his employees continue to sodomise and bugger little boys and girls.

  2. Richard Thomas

    Knowing this was all fine by the Holy father.

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