This Food Is Not On Masterchef

XKCD recipes

Episode One: Not Even Appetising

“For my first dish, I’ve melted Wyke Farms’ Cheddar, then I fried Daylesford farm organic bacon until it was cooked through but not crispy. I created a ‘mug’ with the bacon strips and filled it with the melted cheese.”

Giant mug made out of bacon, filled with cheddar cheese

Gregg: “This is not worthy of a Masterchef – it’s basically just bacon wrapped round cheese.”
John: “Excellent technique. But I have to agree, I just want to take a running jump away from it.”


Episode Two: Whose Sick Idea Was This?

“For my main course, I’ve made a plain pizza with tomato sauce and mozzarella, and added peeps.”

Peeps on a Pizza peepza

John: “I tell you, my tastebuds are boogying with each other right now.”
Gregg: “Ohhh, John, John. It’s going to be one of these nights isn’t it? It’s one of those nights …”

Episode Three: Really, Why Bother?

“For dessert, I blended a soft vanilla ice-cream with rainbow sprinkles, and sandwiched each scoop between slices of strawberry milkshake poptart.”

Poptart icecream bites.

Gregg: “It’s summery, it’s fruity … I’d stick my face in it.”
John: “This is the bland leading the bland.”

Episode Four: Who Would Think This Was A Good Idea?

“Well, it’s pulled pork. And mashed potato. Served together, in a glass, so it looks like a parfait.”

Pulled Pork & Mashed Potato Parfait

John: “… nicely seasoned …”
Gregg: “Now I’m not going to criticise until I actually stick it in my mouth.”

Episode Five: I Want To Give You Nightmares

“…look, there are even little candles stuck into the eyeballs!”

Digging into a human face

Gregg: “That is just gooey loveliness!”
John: “It’s an abomination.”

Episode Six: Let’s Just Get A Take-Away, Guys?

“Let’s be honest. You come home, you’re tired, you don’t want to spend three hours cooking a complicated meal with twenty ingredients, plated up to look like it’s something else. So for you, it’s a 100-by-100 In-and-Out Burger.”


Meat, cheese, meat, cheese, repeat

John: “It shouldn’t work … but it does.”
Gregg: “God, you’ve got some big flavours, boy!”

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Filed under About Food, Unanswerable Questions

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